Current mood:

contemplative

LJ meme advice to my 16 year old self from my 23 (well, almost) year old self
chrissy,

hey. i'm you from the future. that's right, like the ghost of xmas future only without chains. listen to this shit, bitch.


all that depression you feel all the time, it doesn't go away. it gets worse. so instead of focusing on how to kill it with drugs, just focus on how to live with it. the drugs will just make your daylight hallucinations worse. you'll go crazy before you graduate- paranoid with the fear. wouldn't you like to avoid that?

i know you are trying really hard to make everyone forget about that whole stupid gothic thing you did. no one will, and you'll just look stupid trying. don't be scared to wear black... it suits you from time to time. embrace that part of your 14 year old self (even if it seems silly) it ends up being a part of you that never seems to truly disappear.

you are obsessed with that boy rocky. i know (you can't fool your future self dumbass). everyone knows assface! your idea to quit newspaper (because you only joined for him) is stupid! don't do it, it will be a huge regret. afterall, when you get a little older you will realize he is kind of a douche. hot, sure... but his band sounds like 311. you know that's uncool!

while we are on the subject of boys, let me give you a rundown. you will whine about rocky for a year and after that you while whine about two christian boys (one who ends up getting engaged to your friend shana). all three of these boys are unattainable, especially when you tell them they are stupid and weak for believing in god. so don't waste your brainpower thinking about them and writing shitty poems about them. when you look back on all your high school poetry you will feel great shame as a result. your boy craziness never will seem to go away. so learn to regulate it!

robert is gone. you are sad but you think he will get in touch with you. he won't. it will always bother you, start getting used to it.

the good news about boys? chris and scott are both on the way. chris will be one of the most important people in your life. he will make you grow and he will make you have faith in people. you will destroy him with your old selfishness and cowardice. you will never forgive yourself. go about things differently. don't hurt him, the guilt is crushing. you are right, scott IS the one you end up with. so don't turn him away, just don't be such a deceptive shit eating bitch.

scott will ask you to marry him when you are 22 years old. you will be experiencing typical 20something confusion about life so you will decline. you would be wise to act like less of a psychotic maniac after you decline. you are only doing it because you are scared... you will think about it every second for over six months and tell yourself a number of lies. they all amount to one thing, you are terrified of how much you love this one man. you are afraid of what he can do to you in such a vulnerable state. STOP BEING SCARED. he loves you intensely (probably as much as you love him). decline still, you are not ready. but know that it will happen one day. don't let anything get in the way of that, be good to him. though you two are very different you are also very similar. don't waste tons of time at the beginning of your relationship worrying if he is cheating (or will cheat) on you. don't obsess over the exploitation, you can't, it will close you up to him. it takes you too long to realize he loves you. pay closer attention.

you are going to recognize your duty as a feminist. all your aspirations to become a writer will start to shift toward a much more political ground as a result. it will become a huge part of you, a part you've been forced to supress. chris will help show you that part of yourself, make sure you thank him more for it. picking up this intense knowledge and understanding of feminism, you will often be discouraged by people and you will be made to feel like a freak. don't waste one tear on it, use it. you will also stop mindlessly following your family's politcal views and develop your own. you probably don't believe that you will change so drastically, but you will. you have very little of your own voice now.

your sister's marriage will be one of the most exciting days of your life. don't be such a fucking jerkoff! don't show up late to her house to help her w/ plans. don't forget that awesome gift she gives you on her wedding day. don't forget how much you love her and want to be the best maid of honor in the world for her. it will bother her and it will bother you. you are young, you do stupid young people things, but brian rupich is a moron. don't be late for your sister because he has a crisis w/ his mother. after all, the guy will end up thinking he should have his moronic thoughts brodcasted. he will fail out of high school. you will be ashamed of him. he will the dumbest boy you ever date.

you are going to feel really guilty after you fail out of your first semester of college. don't. it's not your fault, no matter what anyone made you feel about the situation. you were very very very sick and very very very far from ready to leave home. the failure will torture you for a couple years and then you will see the bigger picture. after you fail, you move in with chris. you will never ever regret that.

please don't be such a baby when sarah upsets you after you move in with chris. you will lose her for about a year. you will always wish it never happened, it certainly isn't worth it. you won't even remember how it started a few years later. what the two of you have should never be interrupted by anything or anyone.

your parents are a lot more supportive than you think, even if they have insane standards for you. they will help you get back into school after they stop being bitches about your initial failure. you won't fuck it up again, you'll get into rollins (that will be where you will want to go. dr. sinclair will be there). you will get tons of scholarships and you will actually be in love with your education more than anything else you possess.

you will continue to have job problems. you will hold a million jobs. that situation is still unresolved, maybe your 30 year old self should talk to you about that instead.

get back into swimming! if you do it before you graduate high school you can keep at it. right now (in the future) you are trying and it's wayyyy hard. you have gained weight, you are still smoking, and you are out of shape. just don't give it up and we can avoid this awkward time we are going through NOW.

on jobs and swimming- swimkids will seem like the best job that has ever happened to you. you will think of it in career terms. you will make ridiculous sacrifices for the job. you will get FUCKED royally by that orange skinned jesus freak of a boss. he will lie to you, steal your money, and fire you. you decide if it is worth going through or not. it probably is, but just know you can't trust his word. so cash that check before he stops it.

the dave navarro thing, it'll fade. he'll marry carmen electra too, it'll be strange. but he'll come out with a solo album and you and chris will drive to DC to see him live. you will cry your eyes out like a fucking little wounded girl. it will be a highlight in your life.

you'll get to see jane's addiction, so stop holding that against your sister. it will be w/ a bassist who can't keep up, and you'll be far away, sarah won't be there (with you) because you two are not speaking but chris will. it will be a pleasant experience.

when you get choked, don't be afraid. it's okay... it's going to be okay.

go to chicago while you are dating chris! fall in love with it earlier in life. you are missing out big!

don't do that thing you did in your online english class. it will be the first and last time, but it will be one of your few major regrets in life. it's not worth it. just buy a planner and USE IT.

sex gets better. for sure! i'm serious! it really does, i promise. you even start to like it quite a great deal. look forward to that.

dr. brooks. when you walk into your mythology class at valencia for the first time, don't read harry potter the whole time your professor introduces himself. he is going to be your inspiration. he will be why you love your education. he will be why you make it into rollins. he will be your idea of intellectual perfection. he will help you along the way. he will give you inner strength and confidence. he will surpass dr. sinclair (you don't believe me, but he will). he will help you find your writing voice. all in all he will be your mentor. so listen to those words, and sit in awe of his majesty. harry potter can wait.

you don't know what harry potter is, do you? when you fight it in the beginning it will be for nothing. you will become obsessed with it. i promise you, it IS good.

your dad has LOTS of BIG (and sometimes very strange) secrets. just roll with it. he's still dad and you still love him with your entire being.

hunter thompson will die. go to owl farm w/ daniel before he does!! you two will procrastinate and one day you'll get a text message, after an already awful evening, and it will inform you that he has just committed suicide. you'll never make it out there.

who's daniel? daniel is sarah. don't look so shocked. when you are 18 you will have a conversation with him that will make you realize it could be a possibility. when you find out a few years later, you will not be shocked. you will have a hard time dealing with it at first, you will feel like your old friend is different than your new friend. well, he is... but he isn't. it will make him happy, it will make him whole in a way that he never was while he was sarah. it will strengthen him as a human being. you will love him just as much and you will grow used to all the changes except the past tense pronoun usage. annnnnnd he makes a lovely boy!

maybe spend more time at school your senior year. at least just so that you don't get your license revoked, that will haunt you later when you are buying insurance. otherwise, live it up. you won't be able to later because school will actually be work. your graduation, don't go. it's lame, you get sore feet from the shoes you wear, and you miss the NIN concert. you skip NIN because you think you will regret not going to your graduation, it's really the other way around.

you will get into a very serious car accident that you will barely survive. you'll start to think about god like a complete asshat. don't waste your time. you will be smart enough to come to the conclusion that it was an important event, a traumatic event, but just an event nonetheless. no god. also, don't be scared to call your parents. they don't get mad. also, ricky will prove himself to you while you are in the hospital. try to stay closer to him in later years.

it's ok to contradict yourself. in fact, it is one of the things that makes you so fucking awesome!

bagel king. you should work something out there where you don't lose the job. it is still not far enough in the past to know if it was worth it or not, but the money is great and it's the only job you really enjoy. it would be good to stick w/ it through college. awkward situations occur from this place, probably some for the best and some for the worst. just, whatever you do... don't take it seriously. just focus on keeping the job and the money. cut the drama. approach your friendship w/ josh differently so that things don't get weird there. they do get weird and they cause problems with the person you love. know that a friendship like that needs to be kept at bay when you start to confuse feelings. i, in the present, have a difficult time talking about it because it is right behind me. just keep your awareness that whole time. because you don't. don't put the one you love through things he does not deserve to go through.

you have a child on the way. a beautiful black kitten with a large head. the bear looking baby. the bike. he is your angel. when he attacks your feet at night don't kick him out of bed. when he moves with chris to chicago you will be sad that you ever turned him out of the room.

you are so fucking awesome! don't you forget that shit.



Chrissy 2005